Tonight my four-year-old Riley will dress up as Little Bo Peep and my two-year-old Jordan will be a sheep. Riley has been practicing with her hooked staff for weeks. I expect Riley-Peep to professionally herd Jordan away from all dangers seen and imagined. Yet the biggest dangers will remain unseen and both girls–along with all kids nationwide–will fall victim to their twisted group scheme.
These sinister Halloween horrors are dentists. The diabolic scheme is Halloween itself.
Years ago I was exploring a secret underground passage that connects UOP and UCSF; I was looking for a lost treasure of CEREC blocks, hidden by the Templar dentists. I discovered a crumbling parchment written in Aramaic. (UOP’s restorative department still uses Aramaic in its treatment planning; they’re slow to change.) This document detailed an ongoing plot to boost dental production by promoting dental decay. For centuries dentists have been in league with bacteria! These supposed health care providers give unsuspecting children (and their chocoholic dads) ridiculous quantities of candy one night each year. Sticky caramel, pocket-producing tootsie rolls… dentists even sadistically named one brand of production-boosters “jaw-breakers.” Evil!
Tonight as I watch the beginning of the end of my daughters’ enamel, know that I’ll be looking for you dentists responsible for this. And I’ll be wearing a mask.